Liz Baumann

Dream I had last night:

I was skiing, someplace I’d been snowboarding before. My sunglasses wanted to fall off and without them I couldn’t really read the signs, but then decided I didn’t want to bother with them anyway. I ended up somewhere familiar, but then I found out the run turned into a whole bunch of jumps. At first I was trying to back up and let others go ahead of me, thinking I would go walk back to another run. It was difficult backing up though and I decided instead to just give it a go. I went, and the first jump wasn’t too high, but then I landed and the surface was ripply. I did not fall though. There wasn’t a lot of snow but the plastic or whatever beneath the snow was fine to ski on. There were more jumps ahead and I had a choice to veer right for different kinds of jumps, ones I’d done before while snowboarding. I was heading there but then decided to go back left to where I hadn’t been before. The next jumps on the left were even bigger than the first one, the first of these was really tall. But I managed it. I wondered how, why wasn’t I falling?

Side note: I haven’t downhill skied in years, preferring snowboarding now, and I never did any jumps on skis. Last winter I snowboarded a dozen or so times and started teaching myself jumps. I haven’t been to the mountains yet this winter.

Well, I asked for it.

Even though it was quietly and I told no one, it doesn’t seem to matter. As always, the question: “did I bring this to myself, or did I just see it coming?”

I’ve been learning to expect these things – if I even expect them – to come later, have a delay. “Patience is the companion of wisdom”, the sign said. This time, however, it came way sooner than I was wanting, and in a way I never would have expected.

But this confluence of events is one I know I must act on. I wrote of “righting a wrong turn” earlier this month. Well, perhaps that wasn’t a wrong turn after all. Maybe it was to line me up for this. Like it’s all part of some master plan. Every thing happens for lots of reasons. What becomes of it is not up to me, but that’s not important; the important thing is I recognize it and act; ride the wave.

Steve Jobs described situations in his life that prepared him for future events, saying “you can’t connect the dots going forward … you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” I still like to argue that you can connect the dots, most of us just don’t see the pattern well enough, or let preconceived notions of certain event’s meanings cloud our judgment.

A phrase popped into my head today, I haven’t the slightest idea why I thought of it, but I know it has meaning. I.e, I know this is either a “dot” or a connection. A particle or a wave. I just can’t figure out whether it’s the original one or the opposite that pertains to me. Or, both.

No vision, all drive.
All vision, no drive.

The invisible red thread
which weaves the common ground
conducting their illusions
are those spiders all around.

Everything happens, not for
one reason – that’s simplication.
But for many, all at once -
dreams’ overdetermination…

or is it:
Predetermination.

For what the future left behind,
present quietly concealed,
abidingly taking time while
vain, the pasts are revealed.

This world is so riddled
with word and with name
but anagrams are showing,
homonyms are the same.

The fire I did not start
no spark no fuel no light;
sure, clearly, it’s not visible
hiding there in plain sight.

With gravity of observation,
Four’s waves did thus form
and merged with those others’
to create the perfect storm.

Lessons from the frog
last, thinking it could hide
insecurely in the bathroom
but doors flung open wide

now once again encountered
this time she’s wearing red
why should I try to hide
what those other people said?

The sun of rocks and stones
had it backward, but no less
his timing was impeccable
for the future’s not addressed.

Is there such a thing as a “wrong turn”? Some believe there is no right or wrong. If everything happens according to fate, it would seem right and wrong don’t really apply. Free will? Well, I guess then the answer could depend on perspective. I personally feel there is at least some fate at play, in my mind at least I feel I have evidence supporting it, although I sometimes have been inclined to pretend it doesn’t exist. As for free will I’m undecided, but intrigued.

If there is such a thing as a wrong turn, I wonder if I made it when someone dangled a carrot in my face and I chose the stick instead. This was not long after I made a comment about wanting “more carrot, less stick”. I have noticed before that things seem to happen according to what has been said. Maybe I disobeyed this principle, making a wrong turn.

Can I right the wrong? I think I’ve been given enough signs in the last few weeks to suggest that I am going that way. Dreams, where a portion of it comes true within a few days later… three of those. Synchronicities that have meaning to me personally. I say trivial peculiar things and then see them manifest in metaphorical or symbolic ways. I speak of things I’ve realized about myself and then stumble upon them elsewhere. Feelings of intuition that are followed by observation.

Quite a few people have noticed the gray cloud hanging over my head since Thanksgiving and I’ve appreciated the support and advice they have given. I’ve taken some of it. Some of it just doesn’t fit me, and I’ve realized the importance of recognizing this. While I’m mostly out of my funke now, I’m still feeling rather shy and self-doubtful… in part because my shadow has caught up to me, bringing to the surface some aspects of my personality that have been dormant for the past year or so. How my shadow’s return is related to all of this I haven’t yet figured out.

In times like these I suppose some might suggest I look to my inner compass. But when the poles keep moving around, it is probably the worst advice to take to whether this storm. A weather vain is of more use here. Because also, I have consistently found that many of the best, most meaningful times of my life have happened when I’ve stopped trying to control things and just ride like the Wind.

ashes to ashes